


luna moths

by isometric



Series: some happier days to look back on [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Sibling Love, Trans Kenny McCormick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:13:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24707383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isometric/pseuds/isometric
Summary: Love is sharing secrets.
Relationships: Karen McCormick & Kenny McCormick
Series: some happier days to look back on [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795087
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	luna moths

The first time Kenny tells her a secret, he’s ten and Karen’s six. Their parents are fighting again, and though she doesn’t know any different, it still scares her. Their voices are loud and sharp, and they scream horrible things at each other.

They were fighting because of her, she knows, because she’d dropped her bowl taking it to the sink, and it had broken. They didn’t have many bowls, and now they had even less. Daddy got real mad, and he was real stressed from job hunting all day, and Mommy got even more mad at him for blaming Karen. Kenny had quickly snuck her outside once the yelling started.

From the porch, their parents’ voices are muffled. It’s quieter out here, under the night sky, and all the stars shining from so far away makes everything seem less real.

“Does Daddy hate me?” she asks quietly, once she’s stopped crying.

Kenny’s arm is warm and comforting around her shoulders. Some days, Karen wonders if he isn’t her guardian angel, the way he knows just what to say and what to do to make her feel better. Like things will be okay. 

This time, he says, “Of course not.”

Karen sniffs. Daddy had yelled so loud at her, but Kenny would never lie to her. “Okay,” she says, voice small.

They sit on the porch for a while together, listening to the fight die down. Soon enough, the house is almost completely silent, only the sound of the TV blaring through the crack in the living room window. But Kenny doesn’t make a move to get up, and neither does Karen. Outside is peaceful. Outside, there’s no fighting, never is; fights only happen behind closed doors.

Tricia once asked her if Daddy scared her. Karen had only told her no, never. She didn’t know how to explain that his anger scared her, but not him. He never laid a hand on her, and she knows he never will, the same way she knows he would never lay a hand on Kenny. That he only hit Mommy and Kevin because he knew they could hit back. That he only hit them once they were able to hit back.

But anger is different. The look on Daddy’s face— she can’t forget it. He’s been angry all week, and now she’s gone and broke her bowl. What if Daddy hates her?

Karen sniffs again, burying herself deeper into Kenny’s side.

“Kar,” Kenny says, “tell you a secret?”

“Yes please,” she says.

She’s six years old, Kenny ten, and this is the first secret he ever tells her. He says, “Daddy loves you, you know?”

Karen nods, safe in his arms.

“He loves you more than anything. Mommy too, and me and Kev. Daddy forgets sometimes, is all, because of the drugs.”

Kenny had explained about the alcohol and the drugs, how they made their parents forget about the rest of the world. How their parents will still be affected, even though they’ve stopped. Her guardian angel had said the same thing too, and said to be patient, because he wouldn’t let anything happen to Karen in the meantime. Kevin’s changed now, less angry and more responsible, and their parents will change too. Because addiction was an illness, like a cold, only a really bad one that takes a long time to get better from. She had to have hope.

“Daddy was mad tonight, but he doesn’t hate you. And he never will, because he loves you. Do you understand?”

“I do.”

“Good. Us too. Me and Mommy and Kevin. We will always love you.”

Karen nods again, hiding her face against Kenny’s jacket. She’s crying again, this time not out of fear, but something that hurts just as much. Through her tears, she manages to say, “I love you too.”

By the time Kevin comes home from work, exhausted after a whole day at the gas station, Karen’s asleep, head tipped carefully in Kenny’s lap and covered with his jacket. She wakes up briefly when Kevin carries her back inside, then falls asleep again, to the sound of Kenny’s humming and to gentle hands stroking through her hair.

That’s the first secret. In many ways, it’s the most important one. Kenny’s always been quiet, keeping everything to himself, good and bad. He buys presents without a word, brings home food for the whole family like a secret reward. Even at his saddest, he only smiles. Karen’s never once seen him ask for help.

At six, she’s still too young to realise that this is the first time Kenny’s ever opened up to her. But the years pass, and Kenny continues to do so. Not frequently, because he’s still quiet and reserved, handing her pieces of himself like he and Kevin used to do with food when they struggled to pay the gas bills. And though Karen doesn’t have words for the trust she’s shown, she treasures every last bit.

When she’s ten and Kenny’s fourteen, he tells her another secret. In every way, this one is the most important. Kenny takes her aside one Sunday afternoon, sitting on the porch again to soak in the sun. Their parents are sleeping inside the house, having spent the whole day spring-cleaning for Easter. Kevin won’t be back from his manager shift at Whole Foods for another two hours. It’s one of Kenny’s rare days off, between part-time at City Wok and school, and she sinks against his side, warm and comfortable.

“Kar,” he says, “you ever think about having a sister?”

She takes a few moments to think about it. “Am I going to be a big sister?” she asks.

Kenny chuckles, but his eyes grow distant and he hunches a little into himself. He doesn’t pull away from her, though. Before she can ask him what’s wrong, he says, “What about having an older sister?”

Karen shifts to look at him better. Her first thought is of Shelly, who’s practically glued to Kevin’s side these days, and spends more time with Karen than she does with her own brother. Her next thought is of Henrietta, who is more family than she is friend at this point.

But neither possibility explains Kenny’s sudden hesitation and melancholy. Kenny's quick to action, if not words, and he’s still quick to hide his sadness, even now that she’s older. It doesn’t have to do with either of them, she thinks. Whatever’s bothering Kenny, whatever secret is hurting him so, she doesn’t think it’s about other girls at all.

So Karen leans down, rests her head on Kenny’s lap, like she did that night so long ago. She closes her eyes and waits, until his hand finally settles on her head, gentle as it’s always been as it strokes through her hair. She doesn’t know what she could say to make Kenny feel better, doesn’t know anyone who can, but she can do this, show him how much she loves and trusts him.

After a while, Kenny’s hand stills. She opens her eyes to see his other hand clutched tight against his thigh, like he wants to dig his fingers through the meat of it. His eyes are still far away, but his mouth is set in a tight line. He says, “Tell you a secret, Kar?” 

Karen nods.

“Sometimes, I think I’m not a boy at all.”

She waits a moment more, but he doesn’t add anything else. She thinks on this secret for a little while. She doesn’t really understand it, but she loves Kenny more than anything. She remembers Kenny as a princess, the prettiest girl she ever saw; how Kenny had smiled in front of the mirror when Karen finished braiding long blond hair with Tricia’s ribbons.

Karen reaches for Kenny’s other hand, threading their fingers together. Then she closes her eyes and sighs in contentment, and says, “I’ve always wanted a big sister.”


End file.
